Sorry, Not Sorry!
- Kellie Donohue
- Apr 30, 2024
- 3 min read
“I’m sorry” is a short sentence with the power to mend and build relationships and the power to undermine and dismiss colleagues, clients, and friends.
Last week, a friend and I had coffee to talk about our relationship. It had been off-track for a while, in my opinion, and rather than continue down an increasingly frustrating road, I decided it was time to talk and see if we could get it back on track.
I suggested to my friend that we share our thoughts, concerns, and how we relate to each other to improve our relationship. After sharing my thoughts and concerns about how our friendship was going, I waited to hear my friend’s opinions. When you are in a relationship with another person, there are at least two sides to the story.
My friend decided not to share her thoughts with me at all. She didn’t call me out on past transgressions (of which there were a few!), and she didn’t share what she thought about what I had said. She said, “I am sorry you felt that way about what I may have done.”
My reaction to her apology: What does that mean? I hadn’t asked for an apology and wished she hadn’t offered what wasn't really an apology.
Types of Apologies
Reflexive Sorry: When you assume you are putting someone out. “I’m sorry, can you tell me the time?” and “I’m sorry, can I use your bathroom?” This is most likely done out of courtesy, but it is often unnecessary and may begin to impact self-esteem over time.
Permission Sorry: “I’m sorry, I have to take this call” or “I’m sorry, but I need to go first.” This apology assumes that because you said sorry before your action, the other person is okay with whatever you are about to do. You are apologizing because you know general manners dictate that your action is unacceptable.
Reluctant Sorry: This is the one employed by an upset child at the demand of a parent. In adults, it sounds like, “I’m sorry you were offended.” No, you aren’t sorry. This apology is given when you’re trying to save face or someone, like a manager, is making you apologize for your actions.
Research reveals four to six characteristics of a sincere apology. When you include at least three of these characteristics, the positive effects on the relationship and even your health are impressive. A sincere apology can be linked to increased productivity, morale, and job commitment. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to apologize, include these characteristics.
Effective Apology Characteristics
1. Accept responsibility (for your actions/impacts)
2. Be specific and explain what went wrong
3. Be empathetic and express your regret
4. Fix it (whether it’s a material item or emotional upset)
5. Ask for forgiveness & be patient
6. Change your behaviour
When I consider my friend’s apology through the above characteristics, I understand why it rang hollow - none of the traits above were present. What if she didn’t remember the situations I was talking about or didn’t feel like she needed to apologize for anything? Of course, this happens since there are two sides to a story.
If you don’t think you have anything to apologize for:
1. Step into the other person’s shoes and consider how they may have come to feel wronged
2. Does some part of this story reflect feedback/comments you have received from others? Maybe you are always late, interrupting others, or trying to one-up someone.
3. Consider your history with the person. It could be their reaction to the situation in question is overblown if it was a singular event but if it’s part of a larger pattern then perhaps it was the final straw.
If you aren’t sorry then don’t say it, however, if you can see/relate/empathize with the other person’s take on the event, own your portion (big or small) and with sincerity, say I am sorry. Extend your commitment to stop the offending behaviour and stick to it.
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